The Manners Mom

The Manners Mom: Finding polite solutions to sticky situations.

Leah Ingram is The Manners Mom. A certified etiquette and protocol consultant, Leah has extensive experience teaching good manners to her school-aged daughters, Jane and Annie. In addition, she's shared advice on all-things etiquette in newspapers, magazines, and on local and national television.

When Build a Bear Workshop opened its Eat With Your Bear Hands Cafe in New York City, they brought Leah in to the flagship Fifth Avenue store to teach mini manners classes to young diners there.

Leah is also the author of 12 books on weddings, gifts and etiquette topics. Click on the covers at left to purchase a title.

Got a sticky situation that needs a solution? Send The Manners Mom your question and she'll get back to you as soon as she can. Note: Submitting a question gives us the permission to post it online, albeit anonymously.

Check out Leah's new blog at Blogger.

Dear Manners Mom:

Have you noticed a trend toward people throwing baby showers for a second baby? Doesn't this go against some kind of etiquette?

Shower Scrooge

Dear Shower Scrooge:

You and I will probably disagree on the whole second baby shower thing, but I see nothing wrong with it. It’s a big deal having a child, even a second child. If family and friends want to shower the second-time mother with a celebration, that’s wonderful.

Here are some ways to handle these invitations. If you are invited to a second-time baby shower and are morally opposed to the notion, then decline the invitation. RSVP no and don’t think about it again. When the baby is born, you can send a little something, if you feel like it or you can just send a card. While a baby gift is nice, it’s not required whenever someone has a child.

Your second option is to attend the baby shower and bring just a small gift. I mean, really small, like a bib or a little stuffed animal—something that won’t put a huge dent in your budget. That way you won’t show up empty handed and you won’t feel taken advantage of in the gift-buying department.

Also, you could look at this second-baby shower as a chance to shower the mom, who will now be juggling two kids. Would you be opposed to buying her some kind of pampering present? What about going in with a few other women for such a present? That might make it affordable for everyone involved.

Dear Manners Mom:

Our seven-year-old son is still afraid of the dark and has just been invited to attend a movie with a friend. He has been to the movies with my husband and me only, and he wants us to go with him. Would it be rude for me to butt in on his playdate or do you think the other mom would understand?

Afraid of the Dark's Mom

Dear Afraid of the Dark's Mom:

It is never rude to advocate for you child. I would absolutely suggest that you accompany your child on this playdate to the movies, and I would explain clearly to the mom who invited him why you want to be there. Tell her that since your son has only been to the movies with his parents and he's still a bit freaked out about the dark, you didn't want him to ruin the playdate by asking to leave once the lights went down. You'd like to attend with them so your son will have more fun. Chances are your son will relax and enjoy his playdate (and the movie!) by knowing that you're there with him. Then in the near future, you can try going to the movies again with a friend--this time you'll drive--and maybe you could sit a few rows away. This way your son knows you're nearby but you're not right next to him, which will help him slowly become more comfortable with being alone in the dark.

The Manners Mom

Dear Manners Mom:

We had a birthday party for our daughter in an indoor children's playplace, which also provided pizzas. It was from 6PM to 8PM with an hour of play time from 6pm to 7pm and then cake and pizza from 7pm to 8pm. We invited about 15 kids. Unfortunately, power went out at 7pm right when its time to cut the cake. The manager of the facility decided to close it at 7:15pm. We were told to cut the cake in the dark with candles and then they evacuated all the children since they were afraid of the children's safety in the dark. All the invited kids and their parents had to leave without eating the cake or the pizza.

Although the party place invited us to come back another day for our party free of change, we are reluctunt to invite everyone again to that place. Now we are thinking of returning the birthday gifts that our daughter received from the guests on that day since the party was cut short. Is this appropriate? Alternatively, we could also send gift cards to a toy store for all the kids who came to the party. Third option is to have invite those kids again to a different place and have another party (if we choose this option, we can only do this in May.). What is the right thing to do here?

A perplexed mom

Dear Perplexed Mom:

There is no reason for you to return birthday gifts for a party that ended abruptly. This was an unfortunate situation but one that you had no control over. At least the kids had some time to play and were able to enjoy some cake, albeit in a hurry.

I also don’t believe that you should feel required to buy the children a gift to make up for the shortened birthday. However, if it is convenient for you to take the play place up on their offer to come back for free, it would be a generous gesture to invite the children back to play. Maybe you could save this for a summer weekend, when the children normally wouldn’t see each other as they do in school. If you do extend this invitation, though, make it clear that you are inviting these children to come play only. You do not expect additional gifts for your child.

Finally, you could make light of the shortened birthday party in the thank-you notes your child writes. You could say something like, “Thanks for the birthday present and for coming to my party. I’m sorry that we couldn’t stick around and play in the dark—the next time I’m going to have my mom bring flashlights, just in case.”

Dear Manners Mom:

My new husband just got custody of his 11 year-old daughter. She never learned table manners, and my husband isnt concerned. He says that the only people who care about other people's table manners are snobs and judgemental folks. On the other hand, he is very pro-active about teaching her to be respectful and courteous. What can I do to help this girl learn table manners without sounding like a snob myself?

Sincerely, Polite Stepmom

Dear Polite Stepmom:

When you say that your 11 year old stepdaughter doesn't have table manners, what are we talking about?

If it's just that she doesn't know how to cut her food using a fork and knife, held continental style (fork in left hand, knife in right, not switching hands when you're done cutting), she'll eventually pick that up. Heck, I didn't know how to eat continental style until my early 20s, when I started working in the corporate world.

However, if she burps without saying "Excuse me," doesn't ask for things with "Please" and "Thank you," or abruptly leaves the table without asking to be excused, then you need to lay some ground rules for proper behavior at the table.

Unfortunately, you are not in a position of power as the stepmother, so you need to discuss with your husband what you hope your stepdaughter will learn--and then see if he'll support you in instructing her. If he doesn't, then the best way to teach her is to be a terrific example yourself.

When you sit down at the table, put your napkin on your lap. When you need something, ask "May I please have the corn?" or "Could you please pass the salt?" And when she asks for the salt, give her both the salt and the pepper--it's proper to pass them together. If she asks you why you gave her both when she asked for one, you can sneak in a little etiquette lesson. Hopefully, over time she'll pick up your good manners.

Dear Manners Mom:

I am curious about what is considered a proper thank you from children when they receive gifts from close family members, such as grandparents, aunts and uncles. Traditionally, our family has phoned the relative (most of the time long-distance) to thank them for nominal gifts, such as Easter presents, Valentine's Day candies, etc; but the children have called and mailed written thank you notes for more significant occasions, such as birthdays and Christmas. Is this considered proper social etiquette? Also, when a child receives a gift, should the parent send a thank-you note to the gift giver as well, or is a written thank-you from the child sufficient?

Sincerely, Curious Mom

Dear Curious Mom:

At the risk of sounding like Paula Abdul on "American Idol," I'm just so proud of you! You're teaching your children a very valuable lesson in thanking people for gifts--both verbally and through written thank you notes--and I'm sure your children will grow up to be very well-mannered adults.

As far as HOW to thank people, while I prefer handwritten thank-you notes for all gifts received for any occasion, I'll admit that I let my kids slide when it comes to second-tier gift-giving occasions, such as Easter. As long as they thank their grandparents or uncle in person or with a phone call, that's good enough for me. However, for birthdays and Christmas, we always set aside time to write thank-you notes. The kids may not like it, but I believe it's an important skill to learn.

When my girls were really little and couldn't talk, I would write the thank-you note on their behalf. However, I never adopted the first person baby speak that some parents do when writing notes on their kids behalf. That's always been a bit too hokey for my taste. Once my girls could talk and we needed to write a thank you note, I would ask them what they wanted to say to the person in thanking them, and then I would write down what they said (bad grammar and all to make the notes genuine). Then I would have them attempt to sign their name in crayon. Sometimes they would even draw a picture on the note. Now that my girls are old enough to write, they write their own notes. True, these notes are often short and sweet--Dear Grandma, Thank you for the stuffed bear. I love it. Love, Jane--but they get the job done.

And don't give yourself extra work by feeling as if YOU need to thank someone who gave your child a gift, even though your child already did the thanking. One note from the recipient (your child) is sufficient.

Dear Manners Mom,

So at this very minute my husband is on the phone chasing down people we invited to our son's birthday party at the science museum. The RSVP deadline was yesterday and 4 people have not responded. We have to give a final count to the museum so here we are, begging for the simple courtesy of a response. You know, I don't care if people send thank you notes or if they come late to things, but I think it is just so very rude to completely ignore an invitation - especially when it obviously a situation in which we need a head count. If we were just having the party here I wouldn't care so much. Why don't people RSVP anymore?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Birthday Party Mom

Dear Frustrated Birthday Party Mom,

It IS frustrating that people simply do not RSVP anymore and then they show up and wonder why there's no place for them to sit. Brides and grooms have this problem all the time, and that can cause some very expensive (and embarrassing) problems. You're doing the right thing in having your husband call people to follow up, and unfortunately that may be the only way for you to get an accurate count of who will be coming to your child's party. I'm sorry that you're going through this and maybe in the future you could put "RSVP with regrets only" on the invite--some parents have had success with this in the past. Have fun at the party.

*****

Dear Manners Mom,

What's the best way to handle it when your child gets invited to a sleepover but you don't know the parents at all and aren't comfortable letting the child sleep over. My daughter is going to a party Saturday night. It's a sleepover, I've never met the parents, and the birthday girl is new to the school this year so I don't know anything about the family. I'm planning to let her go for a few hours, then I'm picking her up. What do I say to the mom without offending her?

Thanks,

Doesn't Like Sleepovers

Dear Doesn't Like Sleepovers,

It's simple--we have a rule in our family that we can only have sleepovers with kids that we've had playdates with first. That way my daughter is comfortable with your daughter, she knows your house, and it will save you (the other girl's parents) from having to get up in the middle of the night when my daughter wakes up disoriented because she's never been to your house before.

Or, if you don't want to get that honest, you could simply say, "We have an early day on Sunday so my daughter can't stay the night."

*****

Good luck.


Dear Manners Mom,

My sister who lives in another state opened up a christmas present that I had sent for my nephew.  She called me christmas eve and said she didn't think it was age appropriate for him so she wanted to give it to her boyfriends son for christmas from them.  Then she wanted to go out and buy my nephew a new present from us.  She wanted to give this present to a child that isn't even related to me in any way and who I have never met after I had gone to numerous stores searching for what I still feel is the perfect present for my nephew.  Is this proper in any way for a parent to open a present from another family member?  If she doesn't give this present to my nephew how should I handle presents to him and my nieces in the future?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Aunt and Uncle in California

Dear Frustrated Aunt and Uncle:

First, I am so sorry to hear that your gracious gift was received so rudely by your sister. What would your mother say? I'll bet she would scold your sister for behaving so badly.

As you said you took the time to look for what you thought was an appropriate gift for your nephew, and it wasn't right for her to open it and then proclaim it not only inappropriate for him but perfectly appropriate for another child. It would be one thing if you bought a gift that wasn't age appropriate and perhaps unsafe for a very young child, but I get the sense that this wasn't the case. I'm ashamed of your sister and you need to know that she hasn't acted properly.

Now as far as gifts in the future, I would play things safe and buy this child a gift card or something innocuous like that. And I would hope that in the future your sister won't be so critical of your gifts but instead thankful for your generosity.

Thanks for writing and good luck.

*****

Dear Manners Mom:

Why do my kids always ask relatives whom they haven't seen in awhile, "What did you get me?" As if seeing my children is enough of a reason to always give them a gift.

Sincerely,

Parent of the Gimmes

Dear Parent of the Gimmes:

Kids can really drive you nuts with the "what did you get me" stuff. I know, because I drove my own mother crazy with that question when I was very young. She tells me that I used to ask her every day after work when she'd pick me up from the babysitter's house, "What did you get me?"--and I'd just seen her that morning.

I think this gimme-gift phenomenon is similar to the no-crusts-on-my-sandwiches phenomenon. That is, somewhere down the line, someone brought a present for your kid when he/she came to visit, and your kids got the idea that, hey, when family comes to see us, I get stuff. It's just like my kids and crustless sandwiches. They used to each normal sandwiches no problem and then once someone presented them with a crustless sandwich, which they liked way better. So suddenly they wanted everyone to cut off the crusts on all of their sandwiches.

So where does that leave you? Well, you can't change the past but you can improve your future by doing two things.

First, ask in advance that relatives not shower your kids with gifts each and every time they see them--especially if it's grandma or grandpa who live a block away and spend every Sunday with you. Explain that you want to get your kids out of the gimme habit, and when they show up bearing gifts, well, that doesn't help.

Second, explain to your kids that a visiting relative does not equal Christmas or Chanukah and that they shouldn't always expect to get something. Sure, it's nice if someone brings them a little gift--and they should be gracious about receiving it--but to anticipate a present each time is greedy and selfish. Like all things in parenting, if you keep this message consistent with your kids, eventually they'll grow out of the gimmes and into well-behaved young adults.

*****

Dear Manners Mom:

My daughter is having her 5th birthday this weekend.  My partner had decided that this party she doesn’t want to open the gifts in front of the guests, because it is just too much.  I say NO way!  We have relatives and friends we don’t see that often who I BELIEVE want to see our child’s face when she opens the gift.  I think we owe them that. 

Sincerely,

Gift-Loving Momma

Dear Gift-Loving Momma:

I think it's fine to have your daughter open her gifts in front of her guests--IF (and it's a big if) you rehearse with her ahead of time what she should and should not say as she opens presents.

She's 5 so it may be a bit of a stretch, but she needs to practice saying "Thank you" and "I love it" even if in her little head she's thinking, "What is this thing?" I know you don't have a lot of time to practice this but if you're going to go ahead and let her open those presents in public, you need to make sure that she doesn't hurt anybody's feelings in the process.

Also, when she's opening the presents, have someone write down what she's getting and from whom. Even though she's only 5, you need to have her write thank you notes--or you need to write them for her and have them sign her. Kids can never learn too early the importance of thank you notes.

*****

Dear Manners Mom:

I have four kids ages 9, 6, 4, and 2. Recently, they have all become obsessed with bodily functions. They are always joking, talking about it, and calling each other poo poo head or pee pee head. One of them even enjoys pretending to pee or pass gas on people. At home some of this I don't pay attention to but when they visit their great-grandmothers, I don't want them acting like this. How can I teach them that it is OK to joke around but certain things are not appropriate, especially in certain situations?

Sincerely,

Embarrassed By My Children

Dear Embarrassed By My Children:

What is it about kids and their scatological fascinations? I think ever parent has dealt with fart shows or burp contests, and while you must admit that it was probably funny the first time you heard them cracking up over such stupid stuff, by the fortieth time you wanted to lock yourself in the bathroom to get away from it all. I know that I was impressed the first time my second-grader burped the alphabet. Now when she does it, I cringe.

The best way to deal with your pee- and poo-obsessed children is to try to break their obsession all together. That is, instead of letting them get away with bathroom jokes at home--and therefore sending the message that the behavior is OK some of the time--put the kibosh on ALL scatological silliness once and for all. I know from having young kids that they can't always distinguish when something that's OK at home isn't OK at the bus stop or at great grandma's house. So it's better to err on the side of being the disciplinarian and telling them that you won't stand for such shenanigans anymore.

Your older children will probably get the message quicker than the younger ones, so be patient. Remind all of them that you will not stand for any more naming calling that involves body waste or anything having to do with the toilet. Offer consequences if they don't respond, such as no video games that afternoon, taking away a favorite toy or a fine on their allowance. Soon enough the younger kids will see the older kids getting the message, they will, too, and your house will finally be free of the fart shows and burp contests.

*****

Q: My two-year-old son, Jim, plays with our neighbors’ two sons, ages four and two. The two little guys are fine since they are still in that parallel playing stage. But the four year old is a bully. He seems to purposefully snatch toys from his brother’s and my son’s hands. His mom is fairly good at reprimanding him, recognizing that as soon as he steals the toy he just throws it away anyway. But she must be sick of this broken record because I notice she only corrects him about half the time. My struggle is this: at first I used these situations to teach my son how to share with the older boy. I’d ask my son to, “Be nice and let him play with the ball.” But am I not really just teaching Jim to give in to a bully’s demands? After all, the four-year-old just grabs the ball out of Jim's hands, laughs and discards it. I want to tell the four-year-old, "No, you may not have the ball until the Jim is done with it. Please find another toy in the meantime and when Jim is done, he’ll give you the ball.” But the four-year-old is not my child so I don’t feel right saying this. Am I being over-sensitive here?

A: In a nutshell, yes and no. No, you're not being over sensitive, because you see a child treating your own child poorly and you want to intervene. That's fine. But, yes, because you should put yourself in the four-year-old's Stride Rite's for a second.

He sees his younger brother having a perfectly great playdate with his friend Jim while he has no one to play with. Playdates of three are always a recipe for trouble, because two kids usually pair off, leaving the third all alone. Plus, this boy is only four, so he has learned only a little bit of social skills that will help him deal with being excluded. Unfortunately, the one skill that seems to be rewarded (with negative attention from mom, that is) is stealing toys from his younger sibling, so that's what he continues to do.

What should YOU do? First, I think reprimanding and reminding the four year old that stealing toys is not OK is fine. You're right to do it, and you should feel comfortable continuing.

Second, why not suggest that the two-year-old come to play at your house ALONE from time to time? That way the two boys can enjoy their parallel play without the intrusion of the older brother.

Third, talk to the mom of the two boys and say something like, "I notice that whenever Jim comes over to play, your four-year-old seems to get left out. Why don't you invite another four year old over the next time we come to play so each child will have a playdate?" Saying something like this won't place any blame on the older child and probably will benefit everyone involved.

Worst-case scenario is none of these suggestions work. Then you'll have to decide if it's worth it for Jim to continue having playdates with these boys. If it isn't worth it, you may have to begin encouraging Jim to play with other children--or resume having playdates with the younger child when the four-year-old turns five and goes off to kindergarten.

Q: My daughter is only three but since the day she was born everyone who talked to her always told her how beautiful she was. I like the fact that even strangers in the store think my daughter is so beautiful but now she is starting to respond by saying "Yeah, I know." She used to say thank-you but now she just says "Yeah, I know" and I think that is rude. How do I get her to say thank you again?

A: You are obviously one proud parent, and I'm sure it really is wonderful to hear people compliment your daughter. But I can also understand your consternation with her seemingly smarmy reply of, "Yeah, I know." OK, let's face it--kids tend to be honest, too honest some times, and your daughter has heard repeatedly that she she's so beautiful that her honest response at this point is probably pretty genuine and not malicious at all. She knows she's beautiful. Everyone tells her so. So why shouldn't she let them know that she knows it? Well, she shouldn't because, like you said, it is rude. That's why this is the perfect opportunity to teach her how to behave in certain situations. You know the old adage, "Practice makes perfect?" Well, it applies here, too.

Before you and your daughter go out in public--where she's likely to be complimented yet again on how beautiful she is--role-play. Practice. Pretend you're a stranger telling her how pretty she is, and remind her that the proper way to respond is by saying, "Thank you" not "Yeah, I know." Go over it a couple of times and practice before each outing to the mall, movie theater or your mother's house. With time your daughter will get the message about the polite way to respond, and you'll end up with not only a beautiful daughter, but one with good manners, too.

Q: Recently at our playgroup, I kept an eye on my friend's son while she ran out to her minivan to get something. In the few minutes that she was gone, her son smacked my daughter, stole her toys and made her cry. I couldn't help myself but reprimand this little brat. Should I fess up to the brat's mother that I tried to teach him some good manners about sharing toys or should I keep the scolding to myself?

A: There's always one in the playgroup crowd, isn't there? The kid who is pretty well behaved while mommy or daddy is around, but once they're gone, it's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The first couple of times Dr. Jekyll came to playgroups at my house, I turned a blind eye to his bad behavior and tried to encourage my kids to play with someone else. But that didn't always work--Dr. Jekyll would follow us and continue to make everyone miserable until his mother returned.

I realized that if I left the room at a playgroup and my daughters did something to hurt someone else, I'd actually want one of the parents present to put my daughters in their place. I don't want my daughters getting the message that it's OK to behave badly when I'm not around, and I'm guessing that most parents feel the same way, too. (Of course, let me know if I'm wrong here.) Therefore, whenever Dr. Jekyll started acting out while mom was in the bathroom or ran out to the minivan, I took it upon myself to correct him. The first couple of times, I let Dr. Jekyll's mommy know what had occurred in her absence, and she seemed genuinely pleased and relieved that we'd nipped the problem in the bud by scolding him when the offensive actions had occurred. I've yet to meet a parent who doesn't appreciate the "it takes a village" approach to teaching children good manners, so give it a go. The worst thing that could happen is that Dr. Jekyll's mommy won't like you scolding her precious baby and she might just leave your playgroup because you're all such bad mommies for yelling at her son. And then, would that really be such a bad thing in the end? I don't think so.

Q: My toddler is approaching toilet training time and has no qualms about telling me when he's got a poopy diaper or has just peed. He recently made such an announcement in the produce aisle at the supermarket, and I felt like everyone was looking at us. How can I teach him to keep his bodily function news to himself?

A: This is a tricky situation. I know. I toilet trained two kids. And if I think back to those pre-panties days, I'm pretty sure my mantra was, "Now don't forget to tell me when you need to use the potty." Are you using the same mantra with your son? If so, then he's just doing what you've asked--and he's far from being rude. Besides, chances are every parent in that supermarket has had to potty train a child at one point in their life, and they could have all been looking at you--not to shame you right out of the store but rather to say, "Hey, been there, done that."

However, no one really needs to hear the details of poop and pee while looking at potatoes or pasta sauce, so why not come up with a super-secret code that your toddler can use to let you know he needs to go potty--such as clapping or singing a favorite song? Or you could teach him to say something akin to a code word, such as a friend of mine from Scotland who instructed her kids to say, "I'm bursting," which gets the message across when they need to go to the bathroom but which sounds oh so polite. Or you can simply practice having your toddler whisper or use his inside voice when he needs to tell you the goings on in his diaper. Sooner or later he'll get the trick and before you know it, you'll be buying him big boy underwear--and then praying he doesn't have an accident in them.

Q: At her recent birthday party, my six-year-old responded honestly--too honestly, in my opinion--about the presents she had received. I wanted to hide under the cake table by the time she finished opening her presents. How did she get to be so rude?

A: I don't think your daughter was trying to be rude--she was just being honest. There's nothing wrong with a little honesty--heck, we all want to raise kids that tell the truth, right? But if there's one place where a little white lie won't hurt a bit, it's when kids open their birthday presents--whether at their party or with family around.

So how can you get your children to smile and say "thank you," even when they've opened something you know they're going to hate or, worse yet, they already have? Practice, practice, practice.

Just this past year my daughter Annie let her uncle know that she wasn't pleased with the earrings he'd gotten her for her birthday--never mind that earrings were all she'd asked for since she'd recently had her ears pierced. When she opened up this package, she dropped her shoulders, sighed and yelled, "Why didn't you get me a stuffed animal?" Needless to say, my husband and I scolded her about her rude behavior--and then apologized profusely to her uncle.

After that we realized that before Annie found herself in a gift-giving situation, we needed to practice her poker face--that is, practice being grateful and polite regardless of what the present was. We reminded her to smile and say "thank you" to each gift-giver, and we even role played a few times. By the time Annie's grandmother came by with her presents a couple of days later, Annie had the gift-giving routine down pat. As she opened her grandmother's gifts, she kept saying, "I can't wait to see what you got me." Then once she what was inside--regardless of what was inside--she smiled and said, "Thanks, grandma. I love it." I was one proud mama.

Q: My neighbors and I have different opinions about what children should call adults. They think it's hip to have their second-grader call me by my first name; I think it's downright impolite and instruct my own second grader to call this child's parents Mr. and Mrs. How can I get this other kids to stop calling me by my first name?

A: Ah, this is indeed a situation that is far too common in our I'm-your-parent-but-I-want-to-be-your-best-friend society. I know--this happens to me at the bus stop every day. There are two children who go to elementary school with mine who insist on calling me "Leah" and my husband "Bill." Never mind that my kids call their parents "Mrs. Jones" and "Mr. Smith." I've thought about correcting these kids but decided that the correction, in and of itself, would be more rude than these kids calling me by my first name. So instead of overstepping my parental boundaries, here's what I did--and what I suggest you do.

Whenever I talked to these children, I spoke about myself, my husband and our adult neighbors in the third person--and with formal titles. "Well, Mrs. Roberts would love to have you come over to play after school today," or "Mr. Behre isn't at the bus stop today because he's teaching an early class." I kept these third-person references up for the remainder of the school year, and by summer vacation, those kids had changed their tune and started calling my husband and me by Mr. and Mrs. You should try the same with the kids you know. It's bound to work.

Q: My children have a terrible case of the gimmes--especially come the holidays. I feel I'm raising spoiled rotten little monsters. How can I avoid the "gimmes" this holiday season?

A: We used to get a case of the gimmes before every holidays season. I know that the barrage of toy commercials on TV had something to do with it. But we eventually got over the gimmes--and so can you. How?

First, talk to you child. Tell them that while you would love to buy him every toy that he sees on television, you can't and you won't. Let him know that you will only buy him toys, games or gifts that you know that he really wants and will really use.

So how do you ask a youngster to qualify his gift-getting wishes? Have him make a list. That is, whenever your child starts asking for gifts, reply with, "Well, put it on your list." (If you kid isn't old enough to write, help him jot stuff down. Maybe you can turn this list-making into an art project, with him cutting out pictures of toys he wants from catalogs and newspaper inserts and gluing them onto a piece of paper.) Keep this list going until you think that you're going to start your shopping.

Second, once you've given your child a deadline for making this list (and really, you should do this to save yourself from the craziness of last-minute shopping), sit down and go over the list with him. Ask him to tell you why he wants each of the items on his list, and really listen to what he tells. For items like, "Well, I saw it on TV," talk to him about what the purpose of television advertisements are--to make you want to buy the product. See if you can think about any items that you saw advertised on TV and then bought but were disappointed in. Talk to your child about this experience and encourage him to cross off items that just looked like fun on TV. At the same time, encourage him to keep anything on his list that he says he's played with at a friend's house or at school and which he knows will be fun for him to own

Third, once you've gone over the items on his list and whittled it down a bit, tell him this: while it's wonderful that he wants so many nice things for the holidays, it isn't always possible to get everything you want on your list. Let him know that you'll do your best to buy him the things you think will make him happy--and that he should remember to be thankful for the things he will receive, even if it isn't everything he asked for.

Keep in mind that savvy, Christmas-celebrating youngsters may try to guilt you into agreeing to get everything--or at least putting in a good word with Santa--because they believe that between you and Santa, their whole list should be covered. Let your child now that, yes, Santa does try to buy many presents for children, but if he were to get every single present every single child asked for, he'd never make it around the world in one night. (Also, if you've seen the new movie "Elf," point out how Santa only had ONE present down for each kid on his list.)


Q: My children never want to visit our family during the holidays--and have no problem telling grandma that they'd rather be home playing video games. How can I make my children appreciate their family more?

A: Well, what are the homes like that you visit over the holidays? Are all the chairs covered in plastic and all the tabletops covered with knickknacks that have grandma running around and saying, "Don't touch, don't touch." If you were a kid, would that seem like much fun? Sure, it's not right for your kid to express her displeasure right to grandma's face, but given how un-kid-friendly the house is, can you blame her?

I think the best way to have children enjoy visits with their family is to make sure there are things there for the kids to do when they get there. For example, if grandma only has three channels (because she doesn't believe in cable or satellite TV) but she does have a VCR, load up on your supplies of movies so that your children will have plenty of shows to watch during the visit.

Are there any younger children living near your relatives that your children might enjoy playing with? If so, then call your relative in advance and see if you can't arrange a play date.

Can you talk to you family members about creating a kids' bin or some other place where they can keep a stash of toys, coloring books or games that are sure to entertain your children during a visit? At my grandmother's house, I always knew that I'd find new coloring books and crayons at the bottom of the coat closet. So on visits I'd always make a beeline for that closet after kissing grandma and grandpa hello.

Basically, you can solve this problem in three ways. First, you can talk to your kids about not expressing out loud their displeasure with family visits. Second, you can talk to your relatives about things that they can do to make the house more welcoming to children, such as putting away all the breakable knickknacks. Third, you can go to your visit prepared with lots of fun things for your kids to do. Taken all together you should have markedly improved visits with your family in the future, which should leave you feeling a little bit less stressed during the holidays.