The Manners Mom

Here are some websites I think most parents would enjoy:

FlyLady.net helps you get your home and life in order.
Mommasaid.net is the stay-at-home mom's coffee break.

Have you ever read about rude behavior in the news and remarked, "What was that person thinking?" Well, The Manners Mom does that all the time. That's why I've started this blog to comment on topics related to manners, even tangentially, so not only can I get stuff off of my chest, but also so I can maybe help others get a better sense of how to behave.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Are You Going to Be On Your Best Behavior?

I love having houseguests. It's exciting having someone stay with us, especially if they've got kids, which means that my kids now have playdate material for as long as the guests stay. One of the reasons I love houseguests is I seem to host the most polite people ever. If you want your hosts to say the same about you, here are some things that you can do to make your stay less of a burden:

First, offer to help out around the house. Does the dishwasher need unloading? Do you have a load of laundry that needs folding? Can I take the dog for a walk? Help with little tasks can go a long way.

Next, pick up the tab for a meal. You don't have to order in anything fancy or go out to an expensive restaurant. Just ask your hosts if you can have pizza or Chinese food one night--and then offer to pay for it.

In addition, always respect the house rules. If the kids go to bed early or sleep late, don't turn on the TV full blast while everyone else is snoozing. Also, if you smoke, take your butts outside--unless someone has told you specifically that smoking indoors is OK.

Finally, when you leave, strip the bed before you go. It makes it easy for the host to throw in a load of laundry, and she'll just be tickled pink that your made the effort.

posted @ 7:09 AM

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Hosting the Houseguest from Hell? Here's How to Deal.

Recently, someone emailed me to ask for advice on how to deal with the houseguests from hell. It seems that friends who had stayed with this person before--and were planning to stay with them again this year--had done everything they could to annoy their hosts. They got red wine on a white carpet. They ripped the silk throw pillows in the guest room. They brought food to places around the house, where food didn't belong--and the host only discovered this fact after following a march of ants to a previously unseen pile of food.

Given that probably millions of folks will be hosting houseguests in the next few weeks, I thought it was a good time to offer advice to the HOSTS on how best to prepare for your guests and how you can politely do end runs around impolite houseguests.

For starters if there is anything treasured, delicate or priceless in the guest room, get it out of there. You can't expect your guests to know that the tea cup set on the shelf is a prized possession that's been passed down for generations. Why risk having someone bump and break it?!

If you don't like people to have food or drink in places other than the kitchen or dining room, state so upfront. There's no reason to silently steam as you watch your houseguest balance an overflowing bowl of cereal into his room. For the woman that had written to me for advice, I offered her this suggestion for stopping food from getting into the guest room--she should intervene with a self-deprecating comment like, “I’m sorry but I’m so anal that I can’t have food anywhere in the house except the kitchen and dining room.” Then I suggested she add something like, “I don’t even let my husband eat chips while watching the ball game.” Then gently remove the glass from the person’s hands (assuming they give it up easily) and say, “I’ll bring this back down to the kitchen for you. Would you like a refill when you get there?”

Give your guest a quick tour on where everything she needs can be found--towels, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, toilet paper etc. This will help avoid any uncomfortable situations of your thinking that your guest was snooping when, in fact, she was just looking for a replacement roll of TP.

Finally, if there is any food in the refrigerator that's off limits, let your guests know that. A woman wrote me once to ask how she should handle the fact that her houseguest ate the birthday cake that she'd baked for her husband's birthday--and the cake hadn't even been cut into yet.

Tomorrow, I'll offer advice for houseguests on how to be on their best behavior so that they get invited back next year.

posted @ 10:50 AM

Friday, December 08, 2006

Take It Outside Will You, or Part Two on What Not To Do at a Holiday Concert

So last night was my kids' holiday concert. For the first time that I can remember, the string section didn't sound like nails on a chalk board, and the choir actually appeared to be singing in tune. Too bad I couldn't enjoy either part of the concert, though, thanks to a gaggle of teenagers who stood in the back of the auditorium and chatted throughout the musical selections. At least two parents asked them to keep it down or take their conversation outside, but they just continued to talk. What, did their parents raise them to believe that they can ignore an adult's request to keep it down? Or did their parents never explain to them that talking during a performance is simply bad form. Speaking of their parents they were nowhere to be seen, until after the house lights came up. If it wasn't rude of me to do so, I would have given those moms and dads a piece of my mind about their children's behavior and how they should have raised them to know better. But I wanted to take the high road and remain the polite one, so I put on my coat and walked out. However, on the car ride home, I gave my own children (who were up on stage at the time) a stern reminder on what not to do during someone else's concert. Hopefully, in the future, they'll understand that concerts are for listening to, not a time to gossip with your girlfriends.

posted @ 6:39 AM

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Will Your Toddler Ruin the Solo? How to Behave at School Concerts So Your Kids Will, Too

Tonight is my eldest daughter's school concert, and I can't wait to see her up on the stage. What I'm not looking forward to, though, are the parents who still haven't figured out how to behave at a school concert. Never mind the cell phones they forget to turn off, what about the younger sibling they let run rampant throughout the auditorium? Or the crying child that they don't take outside, because they don't want to miss their other child's big moment? The best, though, is the videotaping parent who sets up a camera on a tripod, in the middle of the auditorium, and in the middle of the aisle. In doing so, he's blocked everyone sitting behind him and to his side, leaving them to crane their necks to see the stage. If you've really gotta tape the concert, set up your equipment in the back, and use the zoom lens. And if you bring younger siblings to the concert and they start acting out, intervene. Otherwise, you're wrecking the experience for everyone else.

posted @ 8:09 AM

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Making Sure Your Greeting Cards Are Greeted Warmly And Not Tossed in the Trash

I was just reading a story on greeting card etiquette and I have to say that I was a bit surprised. Surprised not that there is an etiquette to sending greeting cards--this, I know--but that one of the potential etiquette faux pas seemed to be a no-brainer. This one suggestion was to make sure that you send your cards by first-class mail so that they arrive in a timely manner. How else are you supposed to send cards? Carrier pigeon? Other than that idea, the tips are all well worth repeating: make sure you choose an appropriate card for the occasion, always sign your name to personalize your sentiments, and proofread your handwritten greetings before sealing the envelope.

posted @ 7:58 AM

Monday, December 04, 2006

Duck and Cover. How to Handle Ambush Gift-Giving at the Holidays

I'll bet that sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, someone is going to show up with a gift for you--and you'll have nothing to give that person in return. Suddenly, you'll find yourself in a gift-giving quandary that has stumped people for ages. What do I do? Do I run and find something I can wrap quickly so I have something to give that person? Do I refuse the gift because I have nothing to give in return? Do I accept the gift and pretend the whole thing didn't happen?

*This* is what I call ambush gift-giving. It's when you receive a gift unexpectedly, and you're not quite sure what to do. It happens most commonly during the holidays, say, when your neighbors decide to spread good cheer by going door to door with bottles of wine, and you hadn't planned to do anything at all for them. Here's how I recommend handling such situations.

First, don't hide your surprise at receiving the gift--staying true to your feelings makes them seem more genuine. You should accept the gift gracefully, and then say something like, "I'm so surprised. I didn't expect this. Thank you. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't have anything to give you in return." To which you might want to add, "Just yet."

Next, you should plan to stock up on festive yet inexpensive gifts that you can share with your neighbors. Freshly baked cookies, poinsettias, boxes of candy, bottles of wine or CDs of holiday music are all gifts that qualify. These will also double nicely as hostess gifts for any get togethers to which you are invited during the holiday season.

Finally, once you've got your gift supply in hand, either make the effort to bring these gifts by to your neighbors--even the ones that you hadn't planned on gifting but including them would be the right thing to do. Or, keep your gifts on hand for the next natural time that you would see neighbors, such as a neighborhood tree trimming, so you can give a gift to those who have brought gifts by for you.

posted @ 7:12 AM

Friday, December 01, 2006

What's Up with Real Estate Etiquette--Or Lack Thereof?

These days, when it comes to real estate, it is definitely a buyers' market. Unlike a few years ago when houses were selling in days, even hours, nowadays homes are sitting longer--and buyers are feeling the freedom to be picky about which house they want to buy. How do I know this? Well, I've been trying to sell my house for almost three months now. This time last year, homes in my neighborhood sold in about 7 days.

Truth is, I have no problem with buyers having the upperhand--heck, I'm a buyer, too, which is why I'm trying to sell my house. However, with the changing real estate landscape, it seems that some real estate agents/brokers have forgotten some simple real estate etiquette--especially when it comes to showings.

For starters, have good manners and show up when you say you're going to be there for a house showing. Please don't forget that home showings disrupt the lives of the folks selling their house, meaning that they've got to leave, often at inconvenient times, to make way for the buyers. If you've stated a specific window of time that you're going to be bringing a client through, do respect that and don't show up 40 minutes after the window has closed and the sellers have returned home, only to race out again when you ring the bell.

Next, if you've got to cancel, call and let someone know as early as possible. Just recently I'd vacated my house for an hour for a showing, only to get a call about five minutes before I was going home that the showing had been cancelled 45 minutes earlier.

When you do go through a house for a showing, please leave a business card behind to show that you were, in fact, there during your designated time. This seems like such a simple thing to ask, yet so many brokers who have bought potential buyers through my house leave with nary a trace of their presence. Since I can't count on the left-behind business card anymore, I've taken to slipping tiny pieces of paper in my front door as I'm locking up. If I return home and the paper comes floating out, I know no one has been there. But if the paper is gone, I know I'm free and clear.

Finally, please call the seller's broker ASAP with feedback--even if it's to say your clients aren't sure how they feel about the house and that you'll be back in touch. It's a simple courtesy to the broker and the homeowner that opened her house to your client, so please let them know what's going on, as soon as you possibly can.

posted @ 8:40 AM

Poolside Etiquette

My swim club has a simple rule that many parents find difficult to follow--if your child is under age six, you must be with him at all times. Son wants a snack at the snack shack? You have to escort him there. Your daughter needs to go potty? You've got to take here to the toilet. I know that this rule exists for one reason--to keep your child safe. So why is it so hard for parents to understand this? Yes, the rules apply to everyone. Too often I've seen dads snoozing while their preschooler is splashing in the kiddie pool or moms engrossed in a celebrity magazine while their kindergartener is making a beeline for the playground. If you're not interested in following the swim club rules, then please stay home.

Posted July 3, 2006 15:26

Two Paws up for Polite Kids

In light of yesterday's missive about unruly dogs at the bus stop, it dawned on me--I wanted to point out one act of polite behavior I witness at my own bus stop when I've got my dog in tow. I hope others have seen this, too--whether at the bus stop, public park or anywhere else dogs are allowed. I'm thrilled whenever a child approaches my dog and me, and asks, "Can I pet your dog?" This is an excellent skill to teach children, because not every dog wants to be pet and not every owner wants children's (sometimes) grubby little hands touching their prized pooch. Not only is it polite but also it keeps your kids safe.

Along with asking if it's OK to pet a dog, it's imperative to advise your children to hold their hand out first so the dog can sniff it. Don't automatically reach for the dog's head or, worse, come up from behind it. You may startle the dog and get snapped at. Also, tell your kids that if the dog shies away from them, then they should back off. Actually, it would be best if you accompany your child when meeting a dog, just to be on the safe side. Then you can be sure that your child is acting politely--and safely--around someone else's pet.

Posted May 20, 2006 7:26

Dogs at the Bus Stop

If your bus stop is anything like mine, there are often as many dogs there as there are kids. Thankfully, all of the dog owners/parents at my bus stop keep their dogs on a leash and away from kids who are allergic or afraid. I wish this was true at every bus stop across the country but parents tell me it isn't. One mom, whose children are fearful of dogs, and her kids have to walk the unleashed dog gauntlet each day when they go to the bus stop. In fact, she tells me that one of these unleashed dogs runs onto the bus at least once a week--and the owners think it's funny. Ha, ha. Well, it isn't. Have you heard about leash laws? Have you considered being considerate of the people at the bus stop? Not everyone shares your googly-eyed love for your dog, especially when its off the leash and out of control. I have no problem with bringing a dog to the bus stop--my dog comes with me each day--but please think about the other parents and children there and keep your dog on a leash and under control.

Updated May 19, 2006 9:29

Why Everyone Needs to Know the "B" and "D" Rule

Last night I went out to dinner with eight professional women--all writers, smart and well traveled. However, when we sat down to eat at a crowded table in a brasserie, they froze. None of these gals knew what to do with their napkin, which drinking glass they should pick up or on which plate they should put their bread.

So I offered up the "b" and the "d" rule to put their minds at ease.

The "b" and the "d" rule is a trick I use when teaching kids about manners but, truthfully, I'm sharing it more with grownups these days. I've even got the host on TV shows to give it a whirl, and all are amazed at how easy it is and how well it works.

Anyway, the "b" and the "d" rule is simple. Its tells you, without fail, where your bread plate is and what drinking glass is yours. It works whenever you sit down at a table.

To get the "b" and the "d" rule to work, do the following:

1. Put your hands out in front of you, palms facing down.

2. Take your index finger and your thumb, and touch them together to form a circle.

3. Straighten out the rest of your fingers and turn your hands so that the insides of your wrists are facing each other.

4. Look down and notice that the fingers on your left hand have formed a "b" and the fingers on your right hand have formed a "d."

What does this mean? That no matter what, your bread plate will always be on your left, and your drink will always be on your right. Well, that is, if the establishment where you're having dinner knows how to set a proper, formal table.

If you find that the "b" and the "d" rule doesn't work, don't worry--it's not you, it's them.

And I won't tell anyone if you moved the plates and glasses around when your fellow diners weren't looking so that the bread plate and drinking glasses end up where they're supposed to be.

Posted April 28, 16:03

Getting Kids to Pick Up After Themselves

If your house looks anything like mine at the end of the day, you could swear that small explosions went off in different rooms, leaving clothes, toys, books and other items scattered around like schrapnel. Does this sound familiar?

I'll admit that I haven't always been the most consistent about keeping things neat and tidy, but I've been working with my daughters for years on why it's polite to pick up after yourself. Slowly they are getting the message. In fact, now our routine includes cleaning our rooms (parents, too) on Sunday nights so we start the week fresh, with clean rooms.

The one area where I was having no luck in getting the kids to comply was in the bathroom. Despite begging, yelling, pleading and other desperate measures, my daughters would leave their clothing on the floor--right next to the hamper! Same thing happened with their wet towels--they ended up in a pile on the floor.

Last month I told them, "That's it. I've had it. You are going to put your clothes in the hamper and hang up your towels after your showers." And here's the plan I laid out for them.

On or about February 25th we bought two gigantic hooks and hung them on the bathroom wall. Then we let the girls shop for new towels in whatever size, shape or color they wanted. We bought them each two--one daughter chose purple and the other chose turquoise.

Then, I taped a calendar on the bathroom door and told them this: from now until February 28th, Daddy and I will remind you to hang up your towels and put your laundry in the hamper FOR FREE. Starting March 1st, we will begin deducting $.50 from your allowance for every day you do not do this. And we will write those deductions right here on this calendar. On the other hand, if you do what you're supposed to do, you'll get a check on the calendar for good behavior.

Well, since we've debuted this new system, there have been checks only on the calendar and no deductions. I am just so amazed that it worked so well. I mean, I know that money often equals power but I had no idea how the notion of losing money could be such a powerful incentive.

Posted April 10, 2006 10:03

Birthday Party Brou Ha-Ha

I've been hearing a lot lately about children's birthday parties and the horror stories that go hand in hand with them.

First came the news of the family that showed up with the invited child and their other children in tow--and expected the birthday party hosts to not only welcome these extra children but also to have enough cake and goody bags for them.

Next was the birthday party, at the end of which the birthday girl's mom informed the parents that they should keep an eye on their kids in the coming days--her daughter had been fighting a virus all weekend, had woken that day with a 102 degree fever and she chould be contagious. Great, thanks. Viruses are always better than goody bags!

Then there was the time that the parents of the birthday boy thought they could sneak around the need for thank-you notes by sending them home in the goody bags. (You may have read about this scenario in the Q&A on the home page.)

Finally, there was the birthday party that a child was shunned from--not because the child didn't get along with the little girl who was having the party but because the little girl's parents didn't like this other child's folks. Worst, the parents told their daughter the reason why she couldn't invite her classmate. Then, their daughter shared this news with the uninvited child, who ended up being the only child in her third-grade class who wouldn't be attending the birthday party that Saturday afternoon.

I was stunned when I learned of this occurrence--not only because these parents were showing bad manners but also because they hurt this child's feelings. Yes, let me repeat that, they hurt a child's feelings for no other reason than the fact that they didn't like this child's parents.

The longer I give advice to the people who visit this site, the less surprised I am when I receive a question about manners, not about a child behaving badly but a parent doing just that. If only we could call in the etiquette police to handle these situations.

What do you think some appropriate punishments would be for parents without manners? Drop me an email and let me know what you think. I'll start posting responses as they come in.

Posted April 1, 2006 23:10